Patterns

I just realized that my last post was almost exactly a year ago.

What is it about this time of year?  I don’t want to be stupid and assume SAD… just because it’s fucking COLD (real cold.  Canadian cold.  As in even born-here Canadians are going “damn, that’s COLD out there.) and the sun has become a stranger.

Post vacation blues?  I couldn’t WAIT to get away from christmas vacation stress at home.  Fuck, Christmas week sucked, with the in-laws and the stress and the not-resfullness of it.

I need to remember this blog is here.

I’ve been inspired by Ed Sheeran to try to write, to get back to the melodic patterns I always felt in chord progressions, the tension and release that can be found by resolving a minor chord… my last post was part of that, trying to put down my feels and thoughts in words that were more image than form.  I guess that’s poetry, lyrics, some form of art.  I need that.

I need a list of how to move forward.

I need to let go of lists.

Layoffs today… friends I can’t help…. friends I wish I could be closer to… friends I know I need to stay further from or risk my stability…

I’ve been here before.  The layoffs.  The money trouble.  The partner I can’t connect with, but the friend I wish I could…

I need a plan.  I need to take steps.

I need to let go of planning and “be” more.

I need my plans to be sound and not take me down the wrong path.

I need to see where the patterns I’ve followed in the past branched out to uselessness, or harm… fucking good intentions only get you deeper into trouble, it seems.

I need to find joy in my children again, not just work and effort.  Maybe that doesn’t happen though until they grow up.

That better not be it.  I definitely won’t make it then.

Ha ha.

Time for bed.  Wish me luck.

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