I just realized that my last post was almost exactly a year ago.
What is it about this time of year? I don’t want to be stupid and assume SAD… just because it’s fucking COLD (real cold. Canadian cold. As in even born-here Canadians are going “damn, that’s COLD out there.) and the sun has become a stranger.
Post vacation blues? I couldn’t WAIT to get away from christmas vacation stress at home. Fuck, Christmas week sucked, with the in-laws and the stress and the not-resfullness of it.
I need to remember this blog is here.
I’ve been inspired by Ed Sheeran to try to write, to get back to the melodic patterns I always felt in chord progressions, the tension and release that can be found by resolving a minor chord… my last post was part of that, trying to put down my feels and thoughts in words that were more image than form. I guess that’s poetry, lyrics, some form of art. I need that.
I need a list of how to move forward.
I need to let go of lists.
Layoffs today… friends I can’t help…. friends I wish I could be closer to… friends I know I need to stay further from or risk my stability…
I’ve been here before. The layoffs. The money trouble. The partner I can’t connect with, but the friend I wish I could…
I need a plan. I need to take steps.
I need to let go of planning and “be” more.
I need my plans to be sound and not take me down the wrong path.
I need to see where the patterns I’ve followed in the past branched out to uselessness, or harm… fucking good intentions only get you deeper into trouble, it seems.
I need to find joy in my children again, not just work and effort. Maybe that doesn’t happen though until they grow up.
That better not be it. I definitely won’t make it then.
Time for bed. Wish me luck.